Ciao, Rhody!

So, I'm sure you know that I'm leaving the country soon for a study abroad experience in Italy for the fall semester. I'll be on a plane to London in eight days and settling into life as an Italian immigrant in eleven. Weird, right? You have no idea.

My very first apartment will be in another country on another continent with people I haven't yet met. I won't have an address and I won't know my roommates until Orientation in Viareggio. On the up side? I received my tickets, health card, luggage tags, and pre-departure package in the mail yesterday, including an itinerary for the trip. Guess where I'll be staying in London? PARK INN HYDE PARK HOTEL! Yeah, that's right. ANTM, anyone? I know, I'm a freak.

But seriously, guys. This is going to be the experience of a lifetime and I can't wait to get started! Let's start with the fact that this is the second time in my life that I'll have left the United States, but the first time that I'm going to be thousands of miles away from everyone and everything I know (with the exception of Derek, who will be in Florence with me, and Alyssa and Dustin, who will both be in Rome). I mean, I've met one person from my program (today!)and I'm sure we'll be tearing it up in Italy, but when you think about it, that's a whole lot of country to explore when you know practically no one. And you know what? That's probably the most exciting part. I don't know anyone there. I don't know any Italian. I don't have any idea how I'm going to survive completely on my own in a foreign country. And all the while, I'm so excited to be diving head-first into a cross-cultural experience. It's time to sink or swim.

West Virginia: More Than A Southern Hell

A vacation to the godforsaken South to visit the man I love was exactly what I needed. I needed to get away for the temporary change of scenery, but more importantly, I needed to find out for myself if I could ever call West Virginia home. At first I thought, no way in hell, but as the hours passed during my visit there, I found myself more and more willing to settle down there, at least for a little while. Being away from the hustle and bustle of life here in New England was refreshing, and it definitely made me think.

While I could never picture myself living on a farm, I could deal with living in a small town within an hour of a major city. The countryside is peaceful and beautiful, and that area is loaded with history lessons around every corner, which brings Derek so much joy. I like that there are nearby highways and trains that will take me to the big cities and that it's like living in a portrait. I hate how slowly most of these people move, though - I just can't deal with waiting 20 minutes for a coffee or smoothie at the local coffee shop!

There were a lot of pros and cons that I found myself weighing, but the largest pro could not be ignored: the sense of freedom I felt. I realize this is cliche, given that the area in which I'll likely be settling down in the next couple of years was forever altered by the Civil War which was driven mainly by conflicts over slavery, but how could you possibly feel trapped in a place with mountains, trees, picture-perfect rivers, and plenty of fresh air? I mean, I would have to work outside of the area to keep from getting bored, but I could definitely deal with that.

I think one of the biggest things I've realized in the last few days is that I need to follow my heart. I'm probably going to have to suck it up and deal with a high-paying corporate job before I can do what I really want. Corporate life just seems so boring to me, but the student loans need to be paid and I need money to start my business. Don't worry, I'll definitely be baking for a living eventually, but we have to be realistic here. I'll hate my life living in the South and working some boring-ass 9-5, but it'll be so worth it when I can finally open up my bakery and do what I really love and not have to worry about finances.

That brings me to my next topic: school. OK, so I hate it. But let's think about this: the degree will definitely help me make some big bucks to pay off the student loans, put me through culinary, and, ultimately, provide me with the funds to open my bakery as well as the know-how to run it successfully. That being said, I know I don't really need to finish college, and I know I hate both the idea and act of going to school, but I'm so close and I want to finish my degree. It's only three more semesters, and one will be spent in Italy, so that's not really school.

Now completely off that subject, I need to tell you that I find myself feeling ready to get out on my own. I'm twenty years old and I'm more than capable of taking care of myself and a place of my own. I may need to figure out a better working situation to up the cash flow a bit, but that's fine. I've got my life in order and I can't wait to finally do all of this.

I'm Not Myself Tonight

When did I become the girl who lost her cool over a snide comment or passed judgment? When did I become physically repulsed by all the things I used to love, especially food? When did I lose my desire to do things? It seems like the only thing I still love is baking. I have no desire to do anything but sleep, bake, and watch TV. I don't want buffalo wings or cheez-its. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like taking photos. I'm touchy and oversensitive. The smallest things crawl under my skin and make me want to either rip your head off or cry. How did this even happen? This isn't who I am... I'm that crazy bitch who gets excited over everything. I like to make cookies and cakes, but I like to eat them too. I like to take pictures and I love to argue. But right now... I don't feel like I even have the energy to disagree, even if I feel strongly about the issue. I'm stuck in a funk and I hate all of this. Since when don't baking and writing make me feel better?

I'm hoping that all of this is tied in to feeling sick the last few days. I'm always more sensitive when I'm not feeling well. And I hope that a weekend with the love of my life will bring be back to where I need to be... but until then, I'm going to have to wait it out and try to pick myself up, since there really isn't anyone nearby to give me a hand. And you know what? That's the hardest part.

Just Stuck Inside The Gloom

I love my life, I do... but sometimes I wish things were a little different. I wish that I didn't have to deal with having the people closest to me so far from me. I sometimes wish that I didn't care so much about the people in my life so things would just be easier. I wish that someone would be there for me like I've always been there for everyone else. I wish that I could just open my bakery-cafe and get on with my life. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time going to real college for a degree I don't even care about. I wish I would have just gone to culinary and told everyone to go fuck themselves. You know, I wish I could just tell people to go fuck themselves, to get their shit together, and to stop regressing to childhood.

We are all adults now. We've made a lot of decisions that put us where we are in our lives, and we're going to have to continue to make these decisions for the rest of our lives. We have to consciously choose to succeed in what we choose to do; we have to consciously choose to let go of all the reservations we may have and allow ourselves to love and be loved in return; we have to consciously choose to pick our battles and preserve the sanctity of friendship; we have to consciously choose to stay happy and healthy.

It absolutely boggles my mind how so many people cannot seem to get a grip. Really. If you're out of high school, you should start acting like a big kid. Put your big boy undies on and deal with your problems. I cannot hold your hand any longer. I just can't, and I'm sorry but you have to do this for yourself. I refuse to be a part of anyone's spiteful path to self-destruction. We all have our demons, but you've got to find that balance and you've got to figure things out for yourself.

Speaking of figuring things out for myself, I've more or less decided that I want to pursue culinary school, get into a really fun career that I'll actually enjoy, travel a little, settle down with the man I love, and have a family. I never really wanted to settle down and have a family, but as time goes on, I want that more and more. It's not practical right now, obviously, but other than having my own successful bakery-cafe, I just want to be a mom. It's weird to write that and say it out loud, but that's probably because I feel like no one really cares enough to ask or listen other than Derek and Matt, and thus this is the first time this fact is being publicly stated.

The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things I want to do with my life and I don't really know if anyone else quite gets that. It seems crazy to be working as a supermarket supervisor by day and bartender by night while going to school for a degree in communications specializing in telecommunications and public relations with a minor in film but yearn to open a bakery-cafe, settle down fairly young, and have a brat of my own. To most people, it probably seems like I have absolutely no direction in life. But that's not true: I just want to do so many things. Call it career ADD if you want; I don't care. I call it dabbling into different fields to better myself and gain a more educated view of the world.

But for now... I just feel stuck. I'm leaving to go hang out on another continent for four months in a mere 34 days. When I get back, I'll have two semesters left of real college, even though I'd much rather just be baking. And between those two semesters, I have to decide if I'm willing to pack up my life and move to be with the one I love... and right now, I'm about 98% sure that I am. The real problem, though, is whether I should drop real college and go to culinary or just finish my degree first. There are so many factors here and time is running out.

Clearly my mind is clouded. Maybe tomorrow will come with a clear head and what's right will be more obvious. I hope, anyway, that tomorrow will be a bit better...

Fate

Dear Fate,
You're a cunt. Make me fall in love when I didn't want to, why don't you? And then take him from me for months at a time and stick him in the SOUTH, for Christ's sake. And take my best friend, stick him in California, and up airline prices for me. Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you introduce a bunch of other wonderful human beings into my life who want to be with me but cannot seem to understand that my heart belongs to someone else?

You know what, Fate? You're being quite the little bitch lately. You know how much I miss him and cannot wait to see him again, and you're allowing it to happen, but not until someone else comes and fucks with my heart and mind again. The incredible man in the South is the one who stole my heart, not that other one. Sure, he was fun, and I certainly do miss him, but really, Fate? Please stop this... you're making everything very difficult. All I want is to be in his arms again and to never have to deal with all this again.

Becca




You know, I never really believed in fate until I let go of all my bitterness, took a deep breath, and allowed things to happen again. It's a funny thing, fate. It brings people together and it tears them apart. It makes you hurt and it makes you feel absolute ecstasy. It sometimes takes lessons from Karma and kicks you in the balls. And yet, no matter how hard you try, you can never really escape the little bastard we call Fate. "They" say that if you love someone, you should let them go. If they come back, they're yours, but if they don't, then they never were. Fate is what brings them back. Fate is what brought us together in the first place. Sure, we have our problems, and sometimes we push each other's buttons, but at the end of the day, I still want to feel his arms around me and I still want to taste his kiss on my lips... even after the stupid fights, the long talks, the "break-up," and the distance between us... yeah, even after everything. I love you, Derek.

Tell Me Something Good...

I feel so uninspired.

Have you ever had that feeling you just can't shake...? You know, the one that makes your heart feel heavy and even the sunniest days seem dark and gray? It's like, no matter how hard I try to see the bright side, and no matter how well things appear to be going, there's just something bringing me down, and I hate that. I like to be energetic and positive, but it feels so much more difficult than usual right now. Maybe I'm letting the little things get to me, or maybe I'm bogging myself down with everyone's issues and my own busy schedule. I don't know. All I know is that I've wanted to spend a lot of time by the water lately, just sitting on a rock staring into the blue of the ocean and the sky, allowing myself to become caught up in my thoughts. Maybe I just need a vacation. Yeah, that's got to be it...

I Could Really Use A Wish Right Now...

Well, hello there, summer. How nice of you to show up.

I feel like summer is slapping me in the face. Classes are over. I have no reason to step foot on campus until next January when I start the Spring semester. Italy is just fourteen and a half weeks away. Bartending classes start Monday. It has been absolutely beautiful out for the last couple of days. And yet, I am overcome with sadness and cannot wrap my head around it.

Perhaps it's nothing more than the three papers that need to be written and posted on Sakai before it's "offically" summer. Or perhaps it's simply that I'm exhausted and adjusting to living back at home with my family. But I think it has a lot to do with leaving a store I absolutely love working at to go work at a store that I can tolerate, spending next to no time with the man I love, and counting down the days until my boyfriend and best friend in the whole wide world up and leave for a few months. I'm proud of both of them and I love them both more than they know, and perhaps this is selfish of me, but I'm crushed that they're both leaving. Yes, I know I still have my Biff and I still have my (best)friend to make poor life decisions with and I still have my family and a number of other close friends who will be here for the summer. I love this fact. I do not, however, love that I won't be sleeping next to the man I love or lighting shit on fire, eating sherbert (and other unhealthy things), and watching shows like "Minute To Win It" with my "husband." I know that it's better for them that they go and do the things they need to do, interning and making names for themselves. I love that the two people closest to me are following their dreams and doing things they absolutely love. They have been presented with incredible opportunities and they would be insane to pass them up. But it's times like right now when I'm all alone at the wee hours of the morning that I realize how much I love them and how much I'm going to miss them. It kills me when I can't see Derek for a week at a time, and I hate when life gets in the way of hanging out with Matt for a period of time. But if I miss them this much being so close to them physically and having the opportunity to see them, realistically, as often as I want, how exactly will I be feeling a month or two from now when I'm overworked and overtired, wide awake in the wee hours of the morning because I can't sleep from having too much on my mind?

I consider myself to be a strong young woman. I love my life and I'm confident in my ability to be successful and happy while consistently surrounding myself with incredible people who make life just a little sweeter. I know I'll get through it, and I know that the days will fly by and I'll see them both in due time. I know I'll be just fine when I'm with Lisa or Jon or Alyssa. But I also know that when everyone else is fast asleep and dreaming of all the wonderful things in their lives, I'll be lying wide awake, counting the bumps on the ceiling and listening to the hum of the fan while I try to wish myself where they are. But please, don't feel bad for me. I wouldn't have it any other way (unless I could be with them, of course). It's only one summer. We have Italy, and then we have next year. It will all be just fine.