Wednesday, July 21, 2010

West Virginia: More Than A Southern Hell

A vacation to the godforsaken South to visit the man I love was exactly what I needed. I needed to get away for the temporary change of scenery, but more importantly, I needed to find out for myself if I could ever call West Virginia home. At first I thought, no way in hell, but as the hours passed during my visit there, I found myself more and more willing to settle down there, at least for a little while. Being away from the hustle and bustle of life here in New England was refreshing, and it definitely made me think.

While I could never picture myself living on a farm, I could deal with living in a small town within an hour of a major city. The countryside is peaceful and beautiful, and that area is loaded with history lessons around every corner, which brings Derek so much joy. I like that there are nearby highways and trains that will take me to the big cities and that it's like living in a portrait. I hate how slowly most of these people move, though - I just can't deal with waiting 20 minutes for a coffee or smoothie at the local coffee shop!

There were a lot of pros and cons that I found myself weighing, but the largest pro could not be ignored: the sense of freedom I felt. I realize this is cliche, given that the area in which I'll likely be settling down in the next couple of years was forever altered by the Civil War which was driven mainly by conflicts over slavery, but how could you possibly feel trapped in a place with mountains, trees, picture-perfect rivers, and plenty of fresh air? I mean, I would have to work outside of the area to keep from getting bored, but I could definitely deal with that.

I think one of the biggest things I've realized in the last few days is that I need to follow my heart. I'm probably going to have to suck it up and deal with a high-paying corporate job before I can do what I really want. Corporate life just seems so boring to me, but the student loans need to be paid and I need money to start my business. Don't worry, I'll definitely be baking for a living eventually, but we have to be realistic here. I'll hate my life living in the South and working some boring-ass 9-5, but it'll be so worth it when I can finally open up my bakery and do what I really love and not have to worry about finances.

That brings me to my next topic: school. OK, so I hate it. But let's think about this: the degree will definitely help me make some big bucks to pay off the student loans, put me through culinary, and, ultimately, provide me with the funds to open my bakery as well as the know-how to run it successfully. That being said, I know I don't really need to finish college, and I know I hate both the idea and act of going to school, but I'm so close and I want to finish my degree. It's only three more semesters, and one will be spent in Italy, so that's not really school.

Now completely off that subject, I need to tell you that I find myself feeling ready to get out on my own. I'm twenty years old and I'm more than capable of taking care of myself and a place of my own. I may need to figure out a better working situation to up the cash flow a bit, but that's fine. I've got my life in order and I can't wait to finally do all of this.

Friday, July 16, 2010

I'm Not Myself Tonight

When did I become the girl who lost her cool over a snide comment or passed judgment? When did I become physically repulsed by all the things I used to love, especially food? When did I lose my desire to do things? It seems like the only thing I still love is baking. I have no desire to do anything but sleep, bake, and watch TV. I don't want buffalo wings or cheez-its. I don't want to be around people and I don't feel like taking photos. I'm touchy and oversensitive. The smallest things crawl under my skin and make me want to either rip your head off or cry. How did this even happen? This isn't who I am... I'm that crazy bitch who gets excited over everything. I like to make cookies and cakes, but I like to eat them too. I like to take pictures and I love to argue. But right now... I don't feel like I even have the energy to disagree, even if I feel strongly about the issue. I'm stuck in a funk and I hate all of this. Since when don't baking and writing make me feel better?

I'm hoping that all of this is tied in to feeling sick the last few days. I'm always more sensitive when I'm not feeling well. And I hope that a weekend with the love of my life will bring be back to where I need to be... but until then, I'm going to have to wait it out and try to pick myself up, since there really isn't anyone nearby to give me a hand. And you know what? That's the hardest part.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Just Stuck Inside The Gloom

I love my life, I do... but sometimes I wish things were a little different. I wish that I didn't have to deal with having the people closest to me so far from me. I sometimes wish that I didn't care so much about the people in my life so things would just be easier. I wish that someone would be there for me like I've always been there for everyone else. I wish that I could just open my bakery-cafe and get on with my life. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time going to real college for a degree I don't even care about. I wish I would have just gone to culinary and told everyone to go fuck themselves. You know, I wish I could just tell people to go fuck themselves, to get their shit together, and to stop regressing to childhood.

We are all adults now. We've made a lot of decisions that put us where we are in our lives, and we're going to have to continue to make these decisions for the rest of our lives. We have to consciously choose to succeed in what we choose to do; we have to consciously choose to let go of all the reservations we may have and allow ourselves to love and be loved in return; we have to consciously choose to pick our battles and preserve the sanctity of friendship; we have to consciously choose to stay happy and healthy.

It absolutely boggles my mind how so many people cannot seem to get a grip. Really. If you're out of high school, you should start acting like a big kid. Put your big boy undies on and deal with your problems. I cannot hold your hand any longer. I just can't, and I'm sorry but you have to do this for yourself. I refuse to be a part of anyone's spiteful path to self-destruction. We all have our demons, but you've got to find that balance and you've got to figure things out for yourself.

Speaking of figuring things out for myself, I've more or less decided that I want to pursue culinary school, get into a really fun career that I'll actually enjoy, travel a little, settle down with the man I love, and have a family. I never really wanted to settle down and have a family, but as time goes on, I want that more and more. It's not practical right now, obviously, but other than having my own successful bakery-cafe, I just want to be a mom. It's weird to write that and say it out loud, but that's probably because I feel like no one really cares enough to ask or listen other than Derek and Matt, and thus this is the first time this fact is being publicly stated.

The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things I want to do with my life and I don't really know if anyone else quite gets that. It seems crazy to be working as a supermarket supervisor by day and bartender by night while going to school for a degree in communications specializing in telecommunications and public relations with a minor in film but yearn to open a bakery-cafe, settle down fairly young, and have a brat of my own. To most people, it probably seems like I have absolutely no direction in life. But that's not true: I just want to do so many things. Call it career ADD if you want; I don't care. I call it dabbling into different fields to better myself and gain a more educated view of the world.

But for now... I just feel stuck. I'm leaving to go hang out on another continent for four months in a mere 34 days. When I get back, I'll have two semesters left of real college, even though I'd much rather just be baking. And between those two semesters, I have to decide if I'm willing to pack up my life and move to be with the one I love... and right now, I'm about 98% sure that I am. The real problem, though, is whether I should drop real college and go to culinary or just finish my degree first. There are so many factors here and time is running out.

Clearly my mind is clouded. Maybe tomorrow will come with a clear head and what's right will be more obvious. I hope, anyway, that tomorrow will be a bit better...