I love my life, I do... but sometimes I wish things were a little different. I wish that I didn't have to deal with having the people closest to me so far from me. I sometimes wish that I didn't care so much about the people in my life so things would just be easier. I wish that someone would be there for me like I've always been there for everyone else. I wish that I could just open my bakery-cafe and get on with my life. I wish I hadn't wasted so much time going to real college for a degree I don't even care about. I wish I would have just gone to culinary and told everyone to go fuck themselves. You know, I wish I could just tell people to go fuck themselves, to get their shit together, and to stop regressing to childhood.
We are all adults now. We've made a lot of decisions that put us where we are in our lives, and we're going to have to continue to make these decisions for the rest of our lives. We have to consciously choose to succeed in what we choose to do; we have to consciously choose to let go of all the reservations we may have and allow ourselves to love and be loved in return; we have to consciously choose to pick our battles and preserve the sanctity of friendship; we have to consciously choose to stay happy and healthy.
It absolutely boggles my mind how so many people cannot seem to get a grip. Really. If you're out of high school, you should start acting like a big kid. Put your big boy undies on and deal with your problems. I cannot hold your hand any longer. I just can't, and I'm sorry but you have to do this for yourself. I refuse to be a part of anyone's spiteful path to self-destruction. We all have our demons, but you've got to find that balance and you've got to figure things out for yourself.
Speaking of figuring things out for myself, I've more or less decided that I want to pursue culinary school, get into a really fun career that I'll actually enjoy, travel a little, settle down with the man I love, and have a family. I never really wanted to settle down and have a family, but as time goes on, I want that more and more. It's not practical right now, obviously, but other than having my own successful bakery-cafe, I just want to be a mom. It's weird to write that and say it out loud, but that's probably because I feel like no one really cares enough to ask or listen other than Derek and Matt, and thus this is the first time this fact is being publicly stated.
The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of things I want to do with my life and I don't really know if anyone else quite gets that. It seems crazy to be working as a supermarket supervisor by day and bartender by night while going to school for a degree in communications specializing in telecommunications and public relations with a minor in film but yearn to open a bakery-cafe, settle down fairly young, and have a brat of my own. To most people, it probably seems like I have absolutely no direction in life. But that's not true: I just want to do so many things. Call it career ADD if you want; I don't care. I call it dabbling into different fields to better myself and gain a more educated view of the world.
But for now... I just feel stuck. I'm leaving to go hang out on another continent for four months in a mere 34 days. When I get back, I'll have two semesters left of real college, even though I'd much rather just be baking. And between those two semesters, I have to decide if I'm willing to pack up my life and move to be with the one I love... and right now, I'm about 98% sure that I am. The real problem, though, is whether I should drop real college and go to culinary or just finish my degree first. There are so many factors here and time is running out.
Clearly my mind is clouded. Maybe tomorrow will come with a clear head and what's right will be more obvious. I hope, anyway, that tomorrow will be a bit better...