Thursday, April 14, 2011

If You Asked Me Six Months Ago...

WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS HONEST BUT OCCASIONALLY VULGAR LANGUAGE. If you asked me six months ago where I thought I'd be in life right now, I'd have told you this:
"For starters, I will be weeks away from graduating from college with a degree in communications. I will be on the hunt for a job that doesn't involve a purple button-down or a yellow polo, and certainly doesn't require me to wear an apron. I will still be with the love of my life, and we'll be looking for a place together. My health will finally be under control and my life will no longer be controlled by my headaches. I will be well on my way to being a successful adult, and with everything finally in order, I will be happy."

But life's a bitch and that's not how things worked out.

See, over the last six months, the following have happened:
I got hit by a car; my migraines changed and got worse; I left the study abroad program and returned to the good ol' US of A early; the "love of my life" and I had a shitty breakup and haven't spoken since; I found out about some things I wish I didn't and it ruined my opinion of and relationship with some people; Richmond wouldn't allow me to finish my classes at URI (therefore losing 10 of last semester's credits); I was forced to take a medical leave from school for this semester; I've been struggling with my health; I changed stores and positions to eliminate stress and ended up gaining it in other areas; I entered a new relationship and realized rather quickly that it was not for me; I lost one of my closest friends.

Just for starters.

Naturally, then, you can see why I'd be a little frustrated and discouraged about my current state of being. I should be graduating right now, not slaving away at a job that hardly pays the bills. I should be in a healthy relationship with someone who loves me, not choosing to be single because I'm bitter for having been fucked over and then later fucking up something else because I'm too fucked in the head. I shouldn't be concerned about my health and swallowing a handful of pills before bed every night, with the hope that maybe someday I won't feel so shitty. Every morning when I wake up I make a conscious effort to smile and I choose to have a positive attitude, but you know, it's really fucking hard sometimes. When it comes down to it, life really isn't that bad - and it's certainly better than the lives of many around the world - but it's frustrating and discouraging to think of where I should be in relation to where I am, especially when I see other people graduating and getting married and having babies and doing all those sorts of things. That's not to say I want to be married and having children right now, 'cause I think I'd rather have my eyes pecked out by seagulls, but the point is that I'd really like to just go for a while without any major hurdles.

So here's the new plan: let's just go with the flow. So what if I have to graduate on time? As it turns out, I am human. And I've decided that I'm definitely going to go to some sort of culinary school for baking and pastry. We'll see what happens with work. Maybe I'll become less bitter about men and allow myself to fall in love again. Who knows? Life has a funny way of working itself out; from past experiences, I've learned that though life may throw us curveballs and we often find ourselves discouraged or disappointed because we're not where we thought we'd be, but after all is said and done, everything turns out better than we planned.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" - Helen Keller

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